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I was caught off balance when a student asked me to pretend to be her uncle. She was trembling, at least her voice. At first I thought it was funny, but she was serious. This happened when I asked her for a shade under her big umbrella. The school's lobby was approximately 150 yards to the gate. I was in long sleeve with tie under almost 40ºc in hot summer noon. She repeated it again, "sir, can you, please, pretend?" "Well, it should not be a problem, but I should know why," I answered. She explained that her boyfriend was waiting at the gate, and that he was an unreasonably jealous guy. The story ended up giving a quick advice to guy to care of my 'niece.'
This is just one of some instances wherein a relationship just does the opposite. The purpose of a true relationship is to help a human being grow as a better person: to be free, loving and responsible. Let me repeat that again: "The purpose of a true relationship is to help a human being grow as a better person." Have you been into a turbulent relationship? Most of us must have encountered at least once in our lifetime. Considerable conflicts in a relationship are healthy, but if that relationship hinders you to be happy, to be who you really are, to be free to reach your potential then you may need to re-evaluate that relationship. Else, It could be a neurotic one.
Let me go straight to the point. Most battered women, emotionally or physically, may choose to stay in that kind of relationship because they have nowhere, nobody to go to. They have been hit by 'cupid' or 'stupid' whoever that is; or by he-is-the-first-person-who-gave-me-that-kind-of-attention syndrome. We could dig a lot of reasons why this happens, or why some women allow this to happen. But, one thing is pretty sure: if this kind of relationship enters marriage, then most probably it would give birth again to another generation of neurotics. Boys would become bully husbands, and girls would be the same as their parents. They would unconsciously look for partners in life that would cater to this neurosis. You may ask, "is there no stopping to it"? Well, the good news is "there is.' I've seen people who were products of dysfunctional families, who became active reverser. They became better lovers and eventually better parents.
Then how could someone get out of this kind of addicting relationship? How to help others? As Confucius said."Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star." The subconscious is very much in play here. We first bring it to the surface. So, therefore, the First step is to be aware of it. Awareness means you become conscious your situation. Awareness is knowing that you are in an abnormal situation. Second, the person should accept that he or she is wounded. Acceptance is owning it. It is taking responsibly of the situation you are in. The person who accepts his/her situation does not blame anybody, nor his or her parents of his or his situation. It's only then that healing should start. Of course, acceptance has its own stages, which I will discuss in my upcoming article, but once it sinks to the person a new day is bright. But as always, decision making is an individual prerogative. If the person wants to stay in that kind of relationship and that he or she thinks he or she is 'happy', then so be it. But if a person decides to live and love fully, then true happiness is his/hers to conquer.
And lastly, look for true love. The human heart could not stand empty, that's a fact. No, I am not suggesting a scapegoat or a substitute. True love is not a substitute, it is the right one.People who came from a dysfunctional relationship could hardly find one, because the addicting feeling of being in a turbulent relationship is like an appetite. It's always hungry for pain, for the unusual. Finding your true love is tricky too. So that's why you need to be honest always with yourself. Sadly, there is no magic formula for this, but I know two things that really work. One is that learn to decide through reason, not feeling. And the second one is pray. There is only one perfect match maker: it's God.
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